Off the beaten path

Photo by: Jennifer Campbell

Jennifer writes: I decided to call my quest, “off the beaten path” because to me, that's what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to create my own path. Of course, I’ve been trying to create my own path for years. Each time I tell myself, “OK, this time it’s gonna work. It’s my time now.”

I was explaining this to a new friend a few nights ago, how I’ve been dreaming of being a successful freelance photographer / writer for most of my life. How I build up all this momentum, make plans and never quite make it. Somewhere between research, plan and follow through, I get stuck. She used the phrase, “you fizzle yourself out.” And that’s exactly right. I fizzle myself out. I think if I can figure out why and move past that, I’ll be on my way.

So what is the “beaten path” anyway? To me, it’s like watching an endless line of expressionless drones, worker ants, trod along a dirt road to their deaths. Finish school, get a job, get married, have kids, get into debt to lock you into the crappy job…go through the motions and die. Don’t veer off the path, it’s what our parents did, and their parents did. It’s what’s expected, it’s the responsible thing to do.

I see myself in the middle of this endless line, being dragged along caught in a current. For years, literally, I’ve been trying to push my way to the outside of the line. Carefully making plans to dodge the bodies and make a break for it. Machete in hand, ready to cut my own path through the woods. Sometimes I make it close to the outside, but I have never quite made it to the edge.

Fears, procrastination, perfectionism, lack of confidence… all these things throw me right back into the center lane. The voice in my head says “Stay on the job, you’ve got kids to take care of, bills, obligations”…even though it’s sucking my life force right out of me.

But I don’t give up; I keep on trying to get off that familiar path so I can create my own way. So what’s different this time? An audience, hopefully reading the creation of my own existence, my own deliberate creation. Maybe by putting it all “out there” and the accountability of having to write about it, report about it, will keep me moving. After all, no one wants a public fizzle…