Reinvention

Photo by: Jennifer Campbell

“How do we begin to come into ourselves fully, in all our imperfect glory? By letting go of who we thought we had to be, to make way for who we might become.” Oprah

Jennifer says: For quite a long time I’ve felt like I’m faking it, dissatisfied with my life. Somehow missing my own life by waiting for something to happen, signaling the beginning of the kind of life I want to be living.

As a single mother: now fat, frumpy and forty (something) I feel stuck. Maybe it’s a midlife crisis. Maybe I’m tired of having to “do everything” on my own. I don’t know, it’s probably a combination of everything. I do know that I’m tired of being last on my own list.

Mind you, I don’t regret the life choices I’ve made. Although frequently frustrating, I adore my children and am so lucky to have three healthy sons. It’s been a challenge and a joy watching them become the young men they now are. I’m also lucky to live on such a beautiful island. Though I confess that I rarely do any of things anymore that drew me here.

Over the last twenty years or so, I suppose I thought I had to be perfect at everything: mother, spouse, employee… Now I see where my attempts to portray this image of myself has caused me to stray, at least somewhat, from what I wanted my life to be. This has really been my own doing, no one ever said I had to be a certain way or have a certain job. It’s the pressure I put on myself because I thought I had to present a certain picture.

Just last night, as I was with a couple of my friends, I was bitching about how frustrated and run-down I feel. I said I want to reinvent myself. That’s the crux of it I think: That I need to reinvent myself to live an authentic life.

So what does that mean? For me, I believe it means I have to look at how I use my time and rethink what my priorities are. I need to make my goals important enough to find sufficient time to work towards them. It also means that I have to give up expecting everything to be perfect. What are my goals? I’ve already written about one; being self employed. Some of my others are to improve my health, to have more adventures and excitement, to own my own house with lots of flowers and fruit trees in the yard, take better care of myself (this means I don’t feel guilty or deny myself a pedicure or cappuccino if I want it) and travel. This is my authentic life.

So, I guess my new project is “me”.